My mama heart is broken

My little bub is in pain. The scars on the back of his head, neck, top of his head and tummy are intense. I’ll spare you the photos. The hole on the top of his head has a drain coming out of it. His CSF is draining because he can’t manage the pressure in his brain on his own.

My beautiful, sweet boy is in a fight for his life and I have very little control or ability to make him feel better. All I can do is hold his hand, stay by his side and advocate for him when he needs it. Words just don’t do this moment justice.

I can’t be with my big boy Cruz because, well, COVID. Also, because he would not benefit from being in this hospital environment. We are barley getting by. Yet, his family is here, in this hospital. We are here and he is not. I miss him every minute of every day.

Kai looks at me with his big eyes and trusts that I’ve got him. And I cry. I cry and I cry.